


Trees Are Better Company Than People

by 3x3



Series: Help These Painfully Oblivious Souls [5]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Evan Needs a Hug, Gen, M/M, another important new character: evan's stuffed tree, important new character: the cast, jared is a good bean a very good bean did i mention that already?, jared is a good friend okay, someone smack some sense into connor please, still angsty sorry guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:46:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13735374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3x3/pseuds/3x3
Summary: Jared thinks the recent happenings are testing his ability to restrain himself from slapping someone. Namely, Connor Murphy.Evan thinks the hospital is too lifeless for his liking.





	Trees Are Better Company Than People

**Author's Note:**

> go scream at me on my tumblr @whatbreadshouldiget  
> sorry for the absence, was too busy playing mah jong with my family because Chinese New Year. (Happy New Year from Taiwan!!)  
> so that last story was a bit of a rush because i wanted to get it out before i get stuck without the computer (as i was for the past four days) and i'm probably going to rewrite it sooner or later? or at least rewrite parts of it.  
> thank you all for reading again!!

_THE INSANELY COOL_

_How the hell did this turn into a romance documentary?_

_Watching the mutual pining is torture. I hope I’m at least appreciated._

 

What was that old Chinese saying again? Something about how the bystanders see most clearly?

Not that he’s complaining.

Okay he’s complaining.

If only they could both be a _little_ more straight-forwarded with their feelings. For each other, to clarify. Because the sexual tension is frustrating, and Jared can only take so much before he does something dumb like push their mouths together.

That actually wouldn’t be a bad idea, and _very good entertainment, if he manages to get it on camera for blackmail,_ but he figures that Evan wouldn’t be too happy with him. And Connor would straight-out murder him. Then who will carry out Jared’s legacy of live-reporting the gays? Zoe? As if this very important and very delicate job can be carried out by just anyone. (How tragically romantic to die doing his work. Now _that’s dedication._ )

Honestly Jared is a bit tired of everything. Being the captain of a ship is draining, tiresome work, and there is rarely any gratification in return except the strange pride and happiness in seeing two people grow into a couple.

But if that’s what it takes to see his best friend since childhood finally feel like he _belongs_ somewhere, finally feel comfortable being in his own skin, then Jared considers it to be worth the effort.

After all, eighteen years is way too long for someone to spend in loneliness.

* * *

 

As the dutiful wingman he is, Jared takes great honor and pride in his brilliant matchmaking. He might not have really been _aboard_ the whole business in the beginning (well _excuse him_ for wanting to look out for his best friend a little bit, because honestly, as shallow as it sounds, Connor Murphy at first glance is _not_ someone you’d want to get involved with), but he is quick to adapt, and now there simply cannot be a bigger shipper than Jared. It’s all thanks to Jared that the two blockheads can even get a little progress in their so called platonic relationship.

Really, the stage is set _perfectly_ , Evan and Connor: unlikely duo dynamic, with Jared and Zoe respectively infiltrating from the two parties’ sides. Really, what could _possibly_ go wrong?

(Looking back, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to jinx it.)

A lot, apparently, because they are all very troubled teenagers who should never be put in charge of anything, including their friends’ relationships, but _that’s_ never managed to stop Jared before, and he isn’t about to start listening to reason any time soon.

Especially when Evan _obviously_ needs him to be there for him.

“Come on,” He flicks his wrists, popping off another NPC’s head as blood spew all over the gaming screen. “What’s going on with you these days?”

“Why do you ask that?” Evan is doing his homework quietly at Jared’s desk, being the responsible kid he is. “Your mom said that I’m welcome here.” The way he phrases that is almost like a challenge, distressed that Jared is questioning his presence.

“Not _that_ ,” Jared says, part confused, part offended that Evan finds a need to justify himself being in the Kleinman household when he’s been over more times than Jared can count, and has been coming over since long before Jared’s memory reached. (Evan says it’s because Jared doesn’t have the best memory. _“I mean, you can’t even remember what you had for breakfast half of the time.” “Excuse you that’s only because I don’t want to waste my precious brain space on things as tedious as meals.”_ They agree to disagree.) Evan has no reason to get defensive. “I just meant that I thought you’d be on a date with Connor or whatever platonic excuse you have for your outings.”

“Just because Connor’s a living breathing human being who more than tolerates my existence doesn’t mean I have to spend every second awake with him.” He mumbles.

“Whoa, is that a hint of salt I’m hearing right now? From the sweet-spoken Evan Hansen? Proud of you buddy, always knew you had it in you.” Jared pauses game, wiping away a fake tear and turns to peer at Evan, who is hunched over his history textbook, face tight from concentration. “Go ahead and spill. You know you want to.” He coaxes. “Get the nasty feelings out already. You’ll feel better when you’re done bitching.”

Evan finally breaks his eyes away from drilling a hole in that poor portrait of Alexander Hamilton.

“It’s okay. Connor has just been a little distant lately.”

“Not that that's a vague description or anything.” Jared muses.

“Fine. Connor has been avoiding me ever since that night. And it’s bugging me a little do you-do you think it’s my fault?”

“Not everything is about you Evan.” He catches without missing a beat. “It obviously has nothing to do with you. I can go interrogate the hell out of him.”

“Please don’t? I don’t want him to think- I trust Connor, okay?”

Jared makes a face. “Can I at least ask him what’s going on? He’s making it hard for me to maintain my business.”

“I can’t really stop you from doing anything.” Evan replies, but he no longer looks tense and all scrunched up.

Jared marvels at how far they’ve come, he and Evan.

* * *

 

_C_ _is in some sort of withdraw from E these days. E is like a lost puppy. It’s hella confusing. Gonna have to investigate that a little._

* * *

 

Jared always thought he was a pretty chill guy.

He is laid-back, and even though he absolutely loves butting in his friends’ businesses at the worst timings possible, he still makes sure not to _force_ them to do anything they truly didn’t want to do, or at least, tries not to.

(Though his forceful words and dead-serious expression are sometimes a bit too convincing.)

And that is because he trusts his friends’ judgment, in the end.

But when his friends are being idiots, well, Jared has no choice but to intervene, right?

- ** _is it true that my brother’s avoiding Evan?_**

- _so you ARE stalking my blog_

_-dw I’m at your bro’s locker rn_

_-gonna get him to spill the beans_

_- **try not to die**_

Jared smirks and puts his phone away as the target approaches warily, greeting him absent-mindedly.

_The target_.

Sounds kinda comical, but accurate, in Jared’s case.

Jared knows that he has the tendency to try and solve things that probably aren’t his concern at all, but he couldn’t really help it, and people are mostly used to him now. Still, he’s trying to be more considerate these days, giving people space and closure (yes, he is aware that he is sometimes a bit clingy and possessive), after that business with Evan neglecting their friendship. But there’s something else that he’d learned from that incident, and it’s that bottling up unsaid words doesn’t make the problems magically vanish, and rather than trying to keep everything to one’s self, best to talk it out. It’s kinda like ripping off a band-aid. The stalling and hesitation does nothing but stretch out the endurance of the pain. Ripping it off clean and quick leaves the least damage.

But either way it’s not really Jared’s place to tell those two to talk, despite what they’ve _both_ done to him before.

It crosses his mind idly that maybe he shouldn’t give them such a hard time. Maybe things will eventually work out. Maybe his friends will stop being idiots and Jared can take a break on the bleachers for once.

Then Connor snarls at him. “Honestly don’t you ever get sick of this sick game you play where you _think_ you can control _anyone_ , even the school _freak_?”

Jared’s left eye starts twitching in annoyance.

Well fuck that.

* * *

 

_that’s it. C’s cancelled._

_Asshole._

 

_Sorry. Got a little emotional._

_But seriously until C properly apologizes I ain’t rooting on the sidelines no more_

* * *

 

And it’s really less about Jared than it is about Evan, because when Alana Beck asks him about Evan’s poor focus, Jared, feeling bitter, directs her to Connor for he takes joy in bringing people pain and misery, and when Alana comes back with a troubled expression, all she says is that Connor used some choice words, more or less along the lines of saying that Evan’s well-being is none of his concern and that Jared should go fuck off.

Now lots of people has told Jared to fuck off, and Connor’s really no one special, but he thinks he has the right to feel deeply offended by the fact that he was only trying to help the nerds on their journey to happiness (willingly, free of charge, * _gasp*_ ), and _this_ is what he gets as a thank-you present? Jared doesn’t ask for much but he’d most certainly take a nice hand-made card over an ungrateful spit in the face any day.

Not to mention that remark about his friend.

The recipient of Evan’s affections should not need Jared’s approval, especially since such a person doesn’t come around often.

But if that person is going to be immature and hurtful than Jared really has not choice but to block him out, right?

It turns out that Jared is more protective than he expected.

He is probably overreacting. There are probably a ton of reasons why Connor said the things he did, _he wasn’t thinking straight, the bugging was too persistent, Evan wasn’t present, etc,_ but that doesn’t mean he gets excused.

If Evan had known what Connor said, with his over-analyzing habits, it might prevent him from giving out his trust to new people ever again. It would break his heart.

Jared tries not to get so involved, and even though he won’t tell Evan everything _yet,_ he _is_ at least warning Evan about it. Keep them separated for a while.

He storms off to Evan’s locker, and grabs him by the scruff of his collar. The teen yelps, alarmed.

“That boy’s got to go.”

“What?”

“I know you like him, Evan, but he’s got to go.” Jared says to him very slowly and very seriously. “Now I hate this as much as you do but I am _not_ taking his bullshit anymore.”

“Is this- is this about Connor?” He doesn’t know if it’s intentional or not but they’ve both lowered their voices carefully.

“Who else do both know that uses masculine pronouns?” Jared rolls his eyes. “Unless there’s another hot affair that you’re not telling me about.”

“ _Jared_!” Evan hisses.

Jared promptly ignores it. “So you know how I sometimes exaggerate the situation and say things I don’t really mean?”

Evan bobs his head quietly.

“Well I’m kinda doing that, which I’m sure you can tell.” Jared goes on. “But that’s only because I need you to see that it’s severe. You can’t just give and give and give. For the lack of a better phrase, _let him come to you_.”

Evan seems troubled. “He has a lot going on in his mind Jared. Give him some time and space to work it out? I’m sure he has a legitimate reason for...avoiding me.” he looks away, settling his gaze on some patch of the floor. “Or maybe he needs a break from me. I can be overwhelming.”

“See? This is weighing you down, and you know it.” Jared accuses, jabbing a finger in Evan’s face. “If that’s the case, all the reason to stop being so stupidly devoted!”

“He hasn’t _done_ anything, Jared.”

“Yes he has. And I’m not going to tell you _what_ , but you need to know.” He can’t hurt Evan like that. Evan has more than enough negative thoughts swirling around, Jared doesn’t want to add on to that burden with something that will land an actual blow.

“I thought that you guys are on better terms now.” he appears to be upset, eyebrows drooping downwards and mouth tugging into a frown. “And suddenly you hate him again? I know you’re not really _fond_ of him yet but give him a chance to warm up to you. He’s nicer than you think, Jared. Connor’s human too. I don’t mind reaching out to him a little more than I do to other people because I know he needs it.”

“That doesn’t mean he can _walk all over you_.” Jared is scraping his mind for the right words to use to make Evan _understand_. “You don’t exactly know him that well Evan.”

“And _you do_?”

“Why are you defending him? You don’t know what he said to me. To Alana.”

“Well somebody _has to_.” Evan shoots right back, glaring. “And what does Alana have to do with anything now? Is she poking into this too? Like you?”

“She cares, Evan. She noticed you being a bit off in class.” Jared says impatiently. “And I’m here because I _care too_ , Evan! Haven’t we established this already?”

“You don’t know him, and you’re not being fair to him.” Evan argues stubbornly. “I know that Connor has a reason. And he’s not the most _open_ person. If I give him a chance to _explain-_ ” he suddenly cuts himself off, like he doesn’t have any words left in him. Then he adds hesitantly. “I don’t like fighting you, Jared. I like you being on my side, but my side doesn’t have to be against Connor’s side.”

There’s a _pang_ in his heart when he flashes-back to when Connor growled at him the little speech about how he and Evan were never on the same side, which ended with a friendly _fuck you_.

“I’m always on your side.” Jared sighs, feeling weary. It’s pretty unbelievable how easily he can admit it out loud now. “I just hope you would be careful. At least give your heart a little bit of armor before barging head-first into the situation blind.”

Evan offers him a tentative smile. He knows that it’s his way of showing gratitude.

* * *

 

_E has the patience of a saint._

_I would feel proud of him for going after he wants if I wasn’t so sure that it’s going to end in disaster one way or another._

* * *

 

Jared already knows that Evan is going to go after Connor no matter what he said, but he didn’t anticipate it to happen so soon.

He is casually sliding through his facebook feed when the message from Evan pops up.

- **i got into a fight with him i’m sorry for not listening to you**

- **he remembers**

- **he remembers the kiss jared he just didn’t want to acknowledge that it happened**

- **i think i might be dying**

His stomach drops.

With frantic fingers he fumbles through his contacts and quickly dials Evan’s number. It doesn’t get through.

Jared curses.

He knows that Evan probably wants to be left alone but the ominous message really doesn’t help Jared calm down.

Jared tells himself that Evan is fine. Evan just needs time. Evan knows how to take care of himself. Evan won’t just do something rash because that isn’t Evan.

He tells himself that Evan will call him if he needs anything.

And boy _Connor Murphy_.

Jared thinks that he’s never been so overwhelmed with the urge to wrangle someone’s neck before.

Everything starts running in circles around his mind and flurry after flurry of thought occupies his attention.

He doesn’t fall asleep that night.

Later he receives another message, and he bolts up to check it.

- **i fell out of a tree jared. i’m fine and i’m going to the hospital now.**

Jared feels relief wash over him that Evan is mostly alright, but a newfound worry buzzed inside him, this one concerning Evan’s emotional condition.

Something about falling out of a tree.

Evan is an expert tree-climber, and people who experts in climbing trees don’t just fall out of them.

He sends off a message to Evan’s mom just in case, and the tiredness finally claims him and drifts him off to sleep.

* * *

 

_Shit happened._

_E’s in the hospital. C’s going down. That’s the most I’m going to say on the matter for now, and the only reason I’m saying anything about this at all is because I need to make myself DO SOMETHING before I snap and accidentally push C in front of a speeding truck._

* * *

 

The mere sight of Connor Murphy showing up to school like nothing happened at all is what sets Jared off.

Suddenly all his anger is back ten-fold and he feels like drowning.

He stomps right up to the guy, who has the nerve to look _annoyed at him_.

“Fuck you.” He says to Connor, flipping him off and unnaturally in control of his rage.

The teen looks so _bored_. “I thought we were done with this, Kleinman.”

“I thought so too but apparently we were both wrong because this is still an ongoing conversation. You can at least pretend to care.”

“Care about what?” Jared finally catches a fragment of his attention.

He doesn’t know why he is doing this. He should just leave it alone. His mouth betrays him and spits out. “Evan. Evan Hansen? Remember him? The guy whose heart you shattered into pieces?”

“Evan?” It would be amusing, how Connor’s eyes instantly lighting up in alarm at the first mention of Evan, if Jared isn’t so fucking pissed at him.

“You _asshole_. You didn’t even know, did you?” Jared shakes his head. “You probably didn’t even know.”

“Know _what_?” He narrows his eyes, looking very much contemplating to stab Jared if he doesn’t give an answer that instant. Jared wishes he could snap a picture of that for a future Wikipedia page of _desperate jackass._

A part of Jared wants to just hang it there, but that wouldn’t be fair to anyone, so he continues reluctantly. “Evan’s pills. He’d stopped taking them as often after he met _you_. Because for some reason that dumbass thought that he’d be fine without them. That _you_ could help him. He’d always _hated_ his pills.”

Connor’s face is one of pure horror.

“Yeah. Feel shitty for yelling at him yet?”

“I didn’t mean to-”

“Of course you didn’t.” Jared cuts in sharply. “Still happened, didn’t it? And you know what’s going to make you feel even shittier? That fight with you? That was the last straw before he-” he catches himself in time. Connor doesn’t get to know. Connor doesn’t get to know anything. As much as Jared wants to rub it all in his face, Connor had lost the privilege to know anything about Evan.

“Before he _what_? _What did he do, Kleinman_?” Connor has his collar clutched in his fist, veins becoming visible on his forehead.

It is funny how Connor thinks he could threaten Jared into telling him anything.

“If you’d even mildly cared, you’d know.” he growls.

* * *

 

Evan is stupid.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

  


He writes it out over and over again until the ink dries out his pen. And he carves it inside his brain even after that, each time digging deeper down, hoping to do some actual damage to his memories. But he is stupid stupid stupid and if people got their way just by wishing wholeheartedly… he can’t decide if the world would be a remarkably brighter world or simply living hell.

* * *

 

It starts from the day he dies.

No.

It starts before that.

It starts from the day he’d been _stupidly careless._ More so than usual. And also just a bit out of his usual mind because he’d actually went and tried to sit next to _Connor Murphy_ on the bus.

And all because of what?

Because he pitied him? Because even though he had a closed off expression and a defensive posture he looked sorrowfully alone? Because he knew that if he were someone else, anyone else, he wouldn’t have even played with the idea? Because he was who he’d always been: a self-centered nosy asshole?

Yeah, probably that last one.

Definitely that last one.

He is a good-for-nothing burden to the world.

So it’s understandable he did what he did, all of it.

* * *

 

He wants to become rational again but how could he do _that_ when his brain is muddled and his sight is blurry and his breathing is so distorted he’s panting on the top of a thirty-foot-tall tree?

* * *

 

He should sort it out again, one last time.

From the beginning.

He promises himself that he would stop hiding, stop lying. This is his chance to come clean.

* * *

 

The beginning was simple enough.

Jared finally got busted of all the drinking he does behind his parents’ back. (Really, how did it take so long for Mr. and Mrs. Kleinman to find out? Jared wasn’t even _trying_ to be secretive.) His car got taken away. Evan ended up having to take the bus.

And boy did he _hate_ buses.

Crowded, loud, too erratic and sudden and he always felt like he suffocating and he never understood how come no one else was feeling what he was feeling? How come no one else was feeling out of breath being squashed in an entire bus of passengers crammed together?

His mother told him that it was only like that because of the commuters. “It’s better when it isn’t rush hour.”

So he took the earlier ride.

It was still jerky and unbalancing but at least he could breathe.

At least up until he recognized the shadow beside the window, third row counting from the back.

Connor Murphy in all his dark, long-haired glory.

And Evan’s thoughts went racing, because _holy shit_ , that’s _Zoe Murphy’s brother_ , that’s the most-talked person at school (or rather, most-whispered, because no one dared talking about Connor Murphy in a volume that risked being heard by the guy.), that’s…

What was Connor Murphy doing on a public bus? He’d thought someone like Connor would drive a different racecar to school everyday, speeding down streets without a care and wind catching in his brown, curly locks except _Evan what the hell putting people into stereotypes?? Also it’s rude to stare it’s rude to stare it’s rude-_

Too late, Connor’d already seen him, and was currently eying him with a malicious distaste.

Any normal sane person would know to take the hint and steer the hell away but not Evan, who _stupidly_ marched right into Connor’s face.

_Why are you like this Evan?_

_I don’t know Evan why don’t you ask Evan here?_

_Sorry guys Evan doesn’t know either._

_Evan knows. It’s because Evan’s fucking broken_

“Is there-”

He’d lost it. Officially.

“Is this seat taken- I mean can I sit here?”

Really, what did he think he was doing?

Connor clearly wanted nothing to do with him and yet he was being inconsiderate again. _Why can’t you do anything right?_ A voice taunted in his head.

* * *

 

He never really gave much thought about _relationships_.

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in them, and he’d had his fair share of crushes, but he never thought he’d be able to make them work.

That was his problem. He didn’t think he could maintain a relationship, so he never took a move on any one of his previous crushes.

He didn’t like to think about it, but there’s a small possibility that it had something to do with his parents’ failed one.

Just because his parents’ had an unsuccessful relationship didn’t mean _he_ was going to have an unsuccessful relationship, he was sensible enough to know that, but he still worried. Like _what if_? What if he _did_ somehow manage to get settled down with a nice girl? What if they _did_ have kids? What if that nice girl finally decided that she didn’t want to be with Evan anymore? And left?

He didn’t want anyone to go through what he’d gone through as a child. The loneliness and the silence wasn’t suitable for any kid.

And Evan didn’t like gambling with chances, that was all.

That might be why he approached things with much more caution than necessary, and he should’ve been more careful. He should always be more careful.

Jared tried to help, but Evan wasn’t careful enough because Evan thought he knew what he was doing when he didn’t.

* * *

 

This amount of self hate is not normal by any standards, but he doesn’t know if he can ever stop.

* * *

 

_Hey_ , the taunting voice in his mind leers. _You’re in a tree, aren’t you? Yeah you’re pretty high up. On an unrelated matter no one would truly miss you if you’re gone. Sweet, right? Here’s a good idea: let’s let go._

And so that’s what he does.

* * *

 

Everything goes slow motion as he falls and his mind jumps at every chance it got as his thoughts soar.

For one.

It isn’t his first time falling out a tree.

He’d done it once when he was younger, first time climbing a tree. He lost his footing and fell onto the ground. Mostly unharmed, but he _did_ leave with a couple of bruises and a bloody scraped knee.

He has a feeling that if he fell out of this one he’d have more to worry about than a slight sting when he dabs peroxide in his tiny wound.

For two.

Evan’s mom would be so disappointed in him. He could already see the disapproval in her eyes. But give it time and she’ll realize how much good it would bring. No more pricey therapy or meds. No more insane shifts to support her small, useless son. She’ll finally have a life just for herself. The thought makes Evan smile, just a little. He was so little when his father left the picture, he didn’t even understand the concept of abandonment that well back then, and his parents had said that it was “temporary”. It wasn’t, and Evan thought that his mom knew it all along, that she knew the moment the truck left the driveway her husband was never coming back, from the forlong faraway look in her dry gaze. She had raised Evan up all by her own, and it couldn’t have been easy, with Evan being… Evan. She deserves all the good things in life, and without Evan the burden surely it would be much easier for her to pursue happiness.

For three.

He really loves trees. Trees are accepting and don’t judge him like people do. If Evan didn’t let go and lived to become an adult, he would probably go live in a tree. It wouldn’t be a bad life, not at all! He would’ve liked that.

For four.

He isn’t sure what Jared would think. It is sad, but he really doesn’t know. Jared is pretty hard to read. And Evan is sure that he consider them friends to some degree, but he doesn’t know if Jared would be particularly upset about Evan being gone. That is because Jared has a life, one that does not revolve around Evan. If Jared had been there, no doubt he’d chide Evan for doubting him. _Didn’t I already tell you that I care about you, as lame as you are? Don’t be an idiot._ Evan appreciate the words, and it isn’t that he doesn’t believe Jared, but he’s always had a hard time wrapping his mind over the idea that people care about him. People that aren’t family care about him. He decides that Jared would be furious with him. Evan is alright with that, because Jared has it all put together. Jared would be fine. Jared is always fine. Jared isn’t fragile like Evan. Jared would make newer, cooler friends, being no longer stuck with Evan.

For five.

Time is funny when he is counting them bit by bit.

He should’ve long hit the ground by then, but for some reason he is still flopping in mid-air.

Evan tries not to think what his limp body would look like on the ground. (Probably weirdly-angled and ugly and red and broken.) If he ever found a limp body on the ground while he was walking in a park, he would probably puke. Evan sends a mental apology to whoever might be passing by this time of the day.

For six.

Freefalling is a lot less scary than he’d anticipated.

For seven.

He has no idea what Connor might feel when he get the news- stories travel fast at his school.

Evan wonders if it made him a bad person to think that he would feel comforted if there is a bit of remorse from Connor’s end.

Evan decides that it wouldn’t matter.

For eight.

Evan is a bad person, troubling everyone even in his last moments.

But in the long haul it would be doing good.

For nine…

The darkness never does come. And the grass is a little moist, dampening his shirt.

He closes his eyes.

Failure failure failure Evan is a failure how fucked up was him when he couldn’t get rid of himself properly.

When the pain finally starts settling in, Evan had already blacked out.

* * *

 

For ten.

White is such a boring color.

It is the color of his blank mind. It is the color of the stupid hospital walls. It is the color of the doctor’s coat when he tells Evan about his injuries, light reflecting off his glasses. It is the color of the bulky cast wrapped around his left arm, comfy for a good few months.

Evan thinks that he hated white.

He doesn’t hate white, he is just getting a little sick of it, and soon enough he’d be fine with it.

Sort of like how he sometimes got tired of people, and get delusions of hating them when he really didn’t.

Evan hates himself. He is sick of himself. He is afraid that other people are sick of him too.

* * *

 

Jared is the one who picked him up from the hospital, surprisingly.

Okay, not that surprising, since Evan’s mom is on a shift and wouldn’t have the chance to catch a break until at least another two hours, and Jared is the only other person he texted. How lonely.

He should probably text Connor, but Evan is still sort of pettily mad at him.

That aside, the mere fact that Jared had _shown up_ at all comes as a pleasant surprise.

Jared is in the lobby waiting for Evan when he gets out, and the first thing he does when he sees Evan is to shove this stuffed toy into his handicapped arms. He holds it out to give it a better look. It is a cartoon-looking tree. It is also very squishy and strangely comforting to squeeze.

He gives Jared a quizzical look.

“It’s a sort of a stress relief punching bag.” Jared explains. “If you ever get upset or mad and want to do something about your anger rather than just keeping it in- which you should be doing, by the way, just do it to this little fella. Punch it, throw it, burn it for all I care. The important thing is you let your anger out.” Then he sort of frowns. “On second thought, the tree probably isn’t such a good idea because you literally just fell out of one. We could get it back to the store and get something else instead, if you want.”

He doesn’t mention anything about Evan’s cast or try to grill Evan about his thoughts. Evan feels a sense of gratitude wash over him.

So he says, “Too late. She’s mine and I’m going to love her forever. None of those alarming things to this sweetheart. Not like she’s done anything wrong.” He purses his lips, a little appalled. “Honestly Jared, you ought to know by now that I’m more of a pacifist. This tiny sprout is going to receive nothing more than my unconditional love and affection, and shall be given unlimited cuddles instead of that violent trend you have going on in your mind.”

Jared shrugs. “It’s _your_ stress toy. You do you.”

Evan grins a little, cautious and still very raw, but ready. “You know you can ask about it. It’s not like I’m going to bite.”

Jared looks taken aback.

To be honest Evan is a bit taken aback by himself for saying that as well, and even more so when he realizes that he meant it, genuinely.

“You’re comfortable with that?” Jared sounds a bit dubious, not that Evan blames him. He _is_ a pretty closed off guy after all.

“You have the right to know.” He says simply.

Jared studies him. “Okay, but do you _want_ to talk about it?”

“Not really, no.”

“Then we’re not talking about it.” He announces, getting up to his heels and pushing past the doors. Evan quickly scurries after him. “Seriously?”

Jared seems a bit uncomfortable at Evan’s gawking, and he rubs his neck in embarrassment as he pulls open the car’s door. “Look, I’m not entirely insensitive, okay?”

“Okay.” Evan says. “Cool…”

“I’m still very very much interested in gossip though and if you don’t mind me asking, are you still mad at Connor?”

Evan gives it a good thought as he stares intently at the parking lot exit while Jared starts the engine. “I think I’m mad at myself, mostly.” He concludes. “But yeah. I’m pretty mad at him. It doesn’t make much sense and I thought I would get over it after something like this happened, but no. I’m still kinda pissed. And I want to stay pissed. You know I didn’t even tell him about me falling out of a tree. I don’t think I even care if he noticed me disappearing for the past two days. If he did he’d probably just think that it’s because I’m being childish and emotional and he would be right because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have been careless enough to fall out of a tree.”

“Good.” Jared says back to him. “Because if you weren’t then I’d feel like a huge idiot for being mad.”

Evan laughs at that. Sort of.

“I hope you don’t get mad at me for telling him though.”

He blinks in confusion. He didn’t know that Jared talked to Connor, but he supposes that there are a lot of things he doesn’t know.

“It’s fine.” Evan responds a bit tightly. It isn’t entirely fine, but Evan could live with it if he is careful. “Just… can I _not interact with him_ for a little while?” He gives his new stuffed toy a forceful hug, digging his fingernails in its soft body. Evan would name her later.

Jared is quiet for a little while. Then he says, “You know those stupid positive articles that are always going _forgive and forget, not for the person you’re mad at, but for yourself?”_

“Yeah?”

“Fuck them. You decide that on your own terms.”

Evan fails to hold back the snort bubbling up at the back of his throat. “Thanks, Jared.” He says.

“Anything for you baby boy.” Jared brushes him off easily. “Wanna go egg his car?” He offers.

“It’s Zoe’s car too.” Evan reminds him. “I’d feel bad. And we shouldn’t go destroying other people’s properties.”

“You’re too nice for your own good.” Jared tells him solemnly. “Seriously how can you not be vengeful? What will you do without me?”

“I- I guess I’d just have to make sure to stick by your side all the time, then.” It is a little bolder than Evan is used to supplying, but he has a feeling that Jared wouldn’t mind. And he doesn’t, judging by the fact Jared sits up a little straighter, almost preening.

“You’re okay.” Jared speaks loudly, then he repeats it again, like he is making sure of that. “You’re okay now.”

“You’re being so careful and- and gentle with me.” Evan wrinkles his nose a little. “It’s kind of disarming. And kind of gross.”

“Shut up, asshole.” Jared bursts out laughing.

* * *

 

Evan thinks he will be okay.

Might be a good idea to stay away from high places for a while though.

Jared would help.

He ignores the gaping hole in his heart, the searing pain in his mind, his distorted memory.

**Author's Note:**

> and there you go the cast makes an appearance!  
> things should start to get better in the next installment? I hope...  
> school is starting in a few days though so updates will be inevitably much much slower  
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!! please interact with me i'm a lonely bean.


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